We have sifted through all that pansy sludge to bring you a bunch of games on multiple platforms that will make your testosterone shoot up right through the roof and leave you wanting more.
Note: Most of these games are either excessively cool, excessively violent or excessively difficult, but a majority of them are excessively macho. Great for adults, but a few of them are not so great for kids. So parents, exercise caution.
Grand Theft Auto V
Available for: PS3, Xbox 360
Coming soon on: PS4, PC and Xbox One
One of the best selling games of last year is finally being re-released on next gen consoles and PCs. A massive open world for you to wreak havoc at, and you get to play as not one, but three protagonists. One is a retired thief, the other a gang banger with high aspirations, and the last a crazy meth-head. This game is one that should be on your must-play list.
BroForce
Available for: PC, Steam
Prepare to go bro-llistic in BroForce, a side-scrolling, Contra-like 'patriotism simulator' featuring all your favourite action heroes 'bro-ified'.
BroForce featuring the likes of Rambro, Broniversal Soldier, Bro Hard, Brominator, Brobocop and many many more — all in a game that will make the cast of the Expendables wish they were here. With supreme destructible environments, BroForce will keep you on a steady IV flow of adrenaline.
Dark Souls 2
Available for: PS3 and PC
Games nowadays substitute good gameplay for tonnes of cut-scenes featuring lots of quick-time events. If you want something tough without being frustrated, something that challenges you without holding your hand or being forgiving, then Dark Souls 2 is your game.
It is a game that prides itself on how many times you die, so much so it's got a worldwide death counter which is now at 12 million. Dark Souls 2 has some excellent sword fighting mechanics, really dangerous enemies and a brilliant dark world that has death around every corner. Do you have what it takes?
Hotline Miami
Available for: PC, PS3, PSVita
Just in the mood for some all out carnage? Hotline Miami took the world by storm with its quick twitch gameplay, oversaturated neon look and simple top down perspective.
However, don't be fooled by simple graphics, as the game puts you in some tight situations you've seen a dozen times around in movies, where you have to gun yourself out of. Sometimes with extremely violent results. Not for the faint of heart.
Shadow Warrior
Available for: PC, Steam
Cast away all your inhibitions, oh warrior, and pick up your Katana and slice 'em up real good while throwing some awesome one liners.
Shadow Warrior is a remake of the 1997 game, done in a slick 3D engine. It is basically a first-person shooter that lets you chop up demonic monsters and human bad guys into sushi with your magical katana. Shadow Warrior is an absolute blast.
Guacamelee
Available for: PC, PS3, PS4, PsVita
Lots of independent gamers are making side scrolling games in the vein of the original Metroid and Castlevania in a movement called Metroidvania. Guacamelee is the best of them.
A colourful game set in Mexico, where you play a mysterious luchador (Mexican wrestler) as you traverse through deadly levels, beating up supernatural foes with supercharged luchador wrestling moves of righteousness.
While this game is not as violent as the games above, Guacamelee is an addictive romp through beautifully designed environments with lots of Mexicanized versions of today's pop culture strewn about.
Burnout Paradise
Available for: PC, PS3, Xbox 360
If it's road rage you want to satiate, there's no better place to start than the classic Burnout Paradise. They don't make games like this Criterion classic anymore, whose graphics hold up beautifully even today.
The premise is simple, the more you drive like a maniac, the more points you score. The more you crash, the better the game gets. Not to mention, the crashes all are works of art.
God of War series
Available for: PS3, PS Vita
The God of War series has sold more Playstation 2s and 3s than any other game out there. An aggressive game that tells the tale of the angry mortal Kratos, who rips through heaven, Earth and hell in a massive rampage of revenge. The storyline lays waste to all the mythologies, in very bloody ways.
God of War was the first game to employ the now famous, quick-time events, where you have to press buttons during cut-scenes to finish a sequence of moves, often with extremely violent endings.
Now you can replay remade versions of all of the original God of War games on the PS3 and the PS Vita, right up to the epic conclusion in God of War 3.
Mortal Kombat
Available for: PC, PS3, Xbox360
After going astray, the makers of Mortal Kombat have rebooted the franchise, bringing it down to its bloody ultraviolent basics and building up from there.
Featuring a massive roster of characters from all of the first few games, all re-done. For those who have not heard of Mortal Kombat, it's a fighting game in the vein of Street Fighter, infused with a lot of violence. You finish off characters in decapitations and eviscerations in gory detail.
The rebooted Mortal Kombat also has something called X-ray moves, with show limbs and bones breaking in stomach churning, bone breaking detail. Fatality.
Battlefield 4
Available for: PC, PS3, PS4, Xbox 360
Think of Battlefield 4 as a war simulator. With massive 64-player battlefield with 32 players fighting 32 players, things can real hot, real fast.
With realistic weapon physics, where just pointing and shooting is not the key, you have to look at recoil, weight, shooting from the hip, and accordingly customize your weapon out of a plethora of weapons and unlocks. Not only that, you can drive tanks, jets, helicopters and more.
Battlefield 4's levels also change in massive levelution events, where buildings come crashing down, or dams explode flooding a city block. You have to adapt or die.
Bonus:
Fallout 3 and Fallout: New Vegas
Available for: PC, Xbox 360 (Not recommended on PS3)
"War, War never changes" is the opening line of this epic masterpiece. A game set in a 1950s America after a nuclear explosion, where you play a survivor who emerges from the safety of an underground Vault to venture forth into the unknown and survive the harsh wasteland.
Fallout 3 and Fallout New Vegas are open world games where you can explore every inch of the world, strewn with debris, stories and dangerous human, mutants and non human beings out to befriend you, to kill you or to make you its dinner.
In New Vegas, you play a "courier" whose valuable cargo has been stolen and you have to track the person responsible for the theft and for leaving you to die.
The games still look great, and if you are on PC there's countless of mods out there, ones that add new graphics and ones that add a layer of challenge.
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